What Not to Say...Part 2

I've thought of more things you shouldn't say to a woman who doesn't have kids:

11. Your (sister/brother/cousin/friend in Iceland) already has [insert # of kids here], when are you going to finally have kids?

12. "By now your mother/I/some other older woman had [insert the number of kids her amazingly fertile womb was able to procreate] babies."

13. "My husband just breathes/walks near me/we just talk about kids and we get pregnant."

14. "If you can't get pregnant the way God intended, then you aren't meant to have children." Whether or not that's true, or whether or not you believe it to be true--HOLY CRAP NEVER SAY THAT!

I think I should also include my list of responses:

1. "Kids? We're not even having sex yet."
2. “Would you like to see our charts/schedules/temperatures?”
3. “Way to be fertile!"
4. “Whenever the good Lord gives us one. Thanks for asking.”

I know people mean well, and I'm guilty of saying many of the things I've listed (plus some really lame things to women who've just miscarried). We're human and we make mistakes even when we're trying to do good. Hopefully we'll learn from our mistakes. It's comforting to me to know that my God can heal all wounds, and one day we won't feel this pain. We'll be surrounded by the babies we longed for and the babies we lost.

The Best of Intentions

This is probably the most personal posting I've ever written on this blog. While most folks find me outgoing, extroverted, loud--pick your type A feature--truth be told I'm a private person who worries a lot about what other people think.


The day we learned O's CF test came back positive was traumatic. We had been assured and told over and over that the likelihood that he had CF was near-impossible--after all, he was so big. My husband was working when I got the phone call. I called my husband, who could barely understand me through the crying and blubbering. Of course, he came home. Before he could leave he needed to tell his boss why he was leaving. His boss was a friend, and someone who also attended our church. Who promptly--with the best of intentions--called his wife. He also told another guy on the job--another member of our church, who, I believe, also made a call or two. Within minutes the majority of the church knew. Matt hadn't even made it home before our phone was ringing off the hook.
We never had a chance. No time to talk, to discuss, to process. I felt exposed and humiliated, and that my child was being attacked. I had a brief few minutes of sadness before it quickly turned to anger. What made this worse--someone from the church called our family members BEFORE we could. Wrong information was shared, and assumptions were made. Our pastor, whom we weren't close with or felt comfortable with, came to our house--without calling just moments after Matt got home. By now, I'm livid--I pounced. Before he could knock I flung the door open, and with fury called him out on the behavior of the so-called "prayer chain" (more like gossip grapevine). His response--they all had good intentions. The pathway to hell my friends.

The only thing Matt and I had decided during our phone call was to NOT tell everyone until we had time to process and understand. We thought we could tell folks on our time--more on a "need to know" basis. I confronted of few of those who instigated the gossip, and I actually received one very heart felt apology. The others told me that it was meant with good intentions, or that it was God's will.

We left this church a couple months later in large part because of this experience. I feel betrayed, and that I could no longer trust this group of people. I know that even though I've denied it to myself and others, I'm still angry. I feel robbed of a moment that I needed to be able to help me accept and deal with what was happening. I need to grieve, and instead I'm filled with anger. Or, maybe I'm using anger to keep myself from grieving.

Cool Sites, Free Stuff

I really need to tell you about MyPoints.com. I signed up for this in college, and the rewards have been plentiful. Once you sign up you'll start receiving daily emails--warning, sometimes you'll receive SEVERAL in one day. They're ads based on your interests. At the end of the ad there is a link--click it--receive 5-10 points (varies from ad to ad). You get 5-10 points for reading the ad. However, if you take advantage of the ad you'll get LOTS more points (hundred or even thousands).
I have taken advantage of a handful in the past 10 years, but the majority of my accumulated points have come from just reading ads and completing surveys. You also receive points from referring friends too, so if you're interested--please email me!
Okay, so once you have the points, you can redeem them for a plethora of goodies on their site--mostly gift cards to about any store you can think of. We've used our points (my husband is signed up too) to help purchase Christmas gifts, pay for groceries or eating out, and for home improvement. It really doesn't take long to accumulate enough points to start redeeming, and seriously, it doesn't take long to scroll through an ad.

Every so often I get an offer via MyPoints for something really cool, like today: http://www.shop4freebies.com/
Oh. My. Word. Who doesn't like free stuff? We have a motto in this family: cheap is good, FREE IS BETTER. This site links you to hundreds of other sites to get FREE STUFF--free food samples, cleaning supplies, health items, and more. I just completed a few forms for a handful of items, PLUS I got 5 points for MyPoints.

Simple Mom

I just found a great site that you have to check out: http://simplemom.net/
Be sure to check out the downloadable forms like the preschooler's chore chart. We just printed it today & put it to work. My 3 year-old eagerly helped clean up after dinner. (I haven't offered him monetary gain yet, just the joy of stickers--he likes one on his shirt & one on the chart.)
I can't wait to try out her Daily Docket and other lists and ideas!

Women, Women, Women

Why do we treat each other in such hurtful, harmful ways?
Why do we...

• Treat women without children as if they have no knowledge or understanding of children
• Judge working moms as if they hate their children, or are so bad off they HAVE to work
• Judge stay-at-home moms as if they lack ambition or intelligence
• Criticize each other's decisions, when we're all just doing the best we can
• Sabotage each other when someone might get something better than ourselves, instead of rejoicing that they won't have to go through what we suffered through
• Put down one another with passive agressive comments

We ARE better than that, we CAN do better, we MUST do better.