What Not to Say...Part 2

I've thought of more things you shouldn't say to a woman who doesn't have kids:

11. Your (sister/brother/cousin/friend in Iceland) already has [insert # of kids here], when are you going to finally have kids?

12. "By now your mother/I/some other older woman had [insert the number of kids her amazingly fertile womb was able to procreate] babies."

13. "My husband just breathes/walks near me/we just talk about kids and we get pregnant."

14. "If you can't get pregnant the way God intended, then you aren't meant to have children." Whether or not that's true, or whether or not you believe it to be true--HOLY CRAP NEVER SAY THAT!

I think I should also include my list of responses:

1. "Kids? We're not even having sex yet."
2. “Would you like to see our charts/schedules/temperatures?”
3. “Way to be fertile!"
4. “Whenever the good Lord gives us one. Thanks for asking.”

I know people mean well, and I'm guilty of saying many of the things I've listed (plus some really lame things to women who've just miscarried). We're human and we make mistakes even when we're trying to do good. Hopefully we'll learn from our mistakes. It's comforting to me to know that my God can heal all wounds, and one day we won't feel this pain. We'll be surrounded by the babies we longed for and the babies we lost.

The Best of Intentions

This is probably the most personal posting I've ever written on this blog. While most folks find me outgoing, extroverted, loud--pick your type A feature--truth be told I'm a private person who worries a lot about what other people think.


The day we learned O's CF test came back positive was traumatic. We had been assured and told over and over that the likelihood that he had CF was near-impossible--after all, he was so big. My husband was working when I got the phone call. I called my husband, who could barely understand me through the crying and blubbering. Of course, he came home. Before he could leave he needed to tell his boss why he was leaving. His boss was a friend, and someone who also attended our church. Who promptly--with the best of intentions--called his wife. He also told another guy on the job--another member of our church, who, I believe, also made a call or two. Within minutes the majority of the church knew. Matt hadn't even made it home before our phone was ringing off the hook.
We never had a chance. No time to talk, to discuss, to process. I felt exposed and humiliated, and that my child was being attacked. I had a brief few minutes of sadness before it quickly turned to anger. What made this worse--someone from the church called our family members BEFORE we could. Wrong information was shared, and assumptions were made. Our pastor, whom we weren't close with or felt comfortable with, came to our house--without calling just moments after Matt got home. By now, I'm livid--I pounced. Before he could knock I flung the door open, and with fury called him out on the behavior of the so-called "prayer chain" (more like gossip grapevine). His response--they all had good intentions. The pathway to hell my friends.

The only thing Matt and I had decided during our phone call was to NOT tell everyone until we had time to process and understand. We thought we could tell folks on our time--more on a "need to know" basis. I confronted of few of those who instigated the gossip, and I actually received one very heart felt apology. The others told me that it was meant with good intentions, or that it was God's will.

We left this church a couple months later in large part because of this experience. I feel betrayed, and that I could no longer trust this group of people. I know that even though I've denied it to myself and others, I'm still angry. I feel robbed of a moment that I needed to be able to help me accept and deal with what was happening. I need to grieve, and instead I'm filled with anger. Or, maybe I'm using anger to keep myself from grieving.

Cool Sites, Free Stuff

I really need to tell you about MyPoints.com. I signed up for this in college, and the rewards have been plentiful. Once you sign up you'll start receiving daily emails--warning, sometimes you'll receive SEVERAL in one day. They're ads based on your interests. At the end of the ad there is a link--click it--receive 5-10 points (varies from ad to ad). You get 5-10 points for reading the ad. However, if you take advantage of the ad you'll get LOTS more points (hundred or even thousands).
I have taken advantage of a handful in the past 10 years, but the majority of my accumulated points have come from just reading ads and completing surveys. You also receive points from referring friends too, so if you're interested--please email me!
Okay, so once you have the points, you can redeem them for a plethora of goodies on their site--mostly gift cards to about any store you can think of. We've used our points (my husband is signed up too) to help purchase Christmas gifts, pay for groceries or eating out, and for home improvement. It really doesn't take long to accumulate enough points to start redeeming, and seriously, it doesn't take long to scroll through an ad.

Every so often I get an offer via MyPoints for something really cool, like today: http://www.shop4freebies.com/
Oh. My. Word. Who doesn't like free stuff? We have a motto in this family: cheap is good, FREE IS BETTER. This site links you to hundreds of other sites to get FREE STUFF--free food samples, cleaning supplies, health items, and more. I just completed a few forms for a handful of items, PLUS I got 5 points for MyPoints.

Simple Mom

I just found a great site that you have to check out: http://simplemom.net/
Be sure to check out the downloadable forms like the preschooler's chore chart. We just printed it today & put it to work. My 3 year-old eagerly helped clean up after dinner. (I haven't offered him monetary gain yet, just the joy of stickers--he likes one on his shirt & one on the chart.)
I can't wait to try out her Daily Docket and other lists and ideas!

Women, Women, Women

Why do we treat each other in such hurtful, harmful ways?
Why do we...

• Treat women without children as if they have no knowledge or understanding of children
• Judge working moms as if they hate their children, or are so bad off they HAVE to work
• Judge stay-at-home moms as if they lack ambition or intelligence
• Criticize each other's decisions, when we're all just doing the best we can
• Sabotage each other when someone might get something better than ourselves, instead of rejoicing that they won't have to go through what we suffered through
• Put down one another with passive agressive comments

We ARE better than that, we CAN do better, we MUST do better.

Guess What!?!?!

• When it comes to staying at home or working full time, the world is not black and white. You have many choices, and you can even create your own.
• You don't have to justify your decisions or reasoning to follow God and your heart to ANYONE.
• You CAN afford to stay at home, if you want. It might take a lot of time and struggle, but it CAN happen.
• I am an imperfect person, and so are you! I know it's hard to believe and hard to accept, but it's true.

Just some things I'm learning, so I thought I'd share.

What Not to Say to A Woman Who Doesn't Have Kids

1. So, when are you going to have kids?
2. Are you catching the bug/itch?
3. Don't you want to have kids?
4. Why don't you have a baby yet?
5. We weren't even trying, and we got pregnant.
6. [Insert any complaint about being pregnant or having a baby here.]
7. We had sex once and got pregnant.
8. It will happen in God's timing.
9. How many kids do you plan to have?
10. You haven't been trying for that long yet. Give it time.

Whether or not this woman is struggling with infertility, remember:

• It's none of your business.
• You don't understand what she's going through (it's different for each woman).

What you should say:

• If you need someone to listen, I will.
• Can I pray for you?

If you are struggling with infertility--this book helped me: "Moments For Couples Who Long For Children" by Ginger Garrett. Oh, and if you need someone to listen, I will. And, I am praying for you.

A New Diet

I lost four pounds yesterday. Yes, four. In one day. Pretty cool, right?

WRONG. Food poisoning. Glory be, the worst kind of sickness. I couldn't hold down water. We (yep, my husband was sick too) spent Sunday laying in bed, the couch, the floor--only getting up if we absolutely had to. Our poor kiddos spent the day in their pajamas eating Cheerios. I really don't know if we actually fed them 3 solid meals or not. Matt wasn't quite as bad off as me (he had the steak instead of the fish/seafood dish), so he did the majority of caring for the kiddos.

I was really concerned that the lack of food & water would lead to a lack in breastmilk production, and although I definitely had a decrease--we seem to be fine today. It took most of the day, but my appetite came back.

Today I met and chatted with Stephanie Hillberry. She asked to interview me for her Marketplace Mavens. Had I been more clear-headed I probably would have postponed this conversation. I know I lost my train of thought more than once, and felt like passing out a few times--should make for an interesting article. HA! Seriously, check out her website & blog--she's a smart lady with great ideas. Thanks, Stephanie!

You thought I had forgotten...

Didn't you?

Well, it's been 90 days. How'd you do? Me, well, yeah I learned a few things:

• Never start an exercise program just before major holidays.
• It's better to create a real workout "plan" other than "just do something, anything, everyday."
• Small baby steps are necessary when trying to create new habits.

I was doing pretty good for the first few weeks, but as the madness of the holidays approached (and let's be honest--the incredible food) I just didn't keep up like I had hoped. So, what's next?

I'm thinking up a plan, making goals--small, baby step-like goals--and looking at my calendar for a realistic idea of what, when, and how. I'm not giving up. The days I did work out, even a little bit, there was a definite improvement in my energy level.

I did find things that worked for me:

• I enjoy jumping on a mini-trampoline when I can't go outside.
• Working out while watching favorite tv shows on my computer (while the kiddos are sleeping) makes the workout seem quick & easy.
• Typically, this worked best when my husband was working late. Nap time is valuable work time/quiet time for me.
• Involving the kiddos in some active play time (i.e. chasing them around the living room--man, I'm so ready for spring) was a kick-butt exercise that also wore them out. Those two little boogers can really run.

I hope you did well, and if you didn't do anything--there's always tomorrow. Good night.

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Sundays, Feb. 8-Mar. 15

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For more information, and to register: Contact Tamara at 970.217.0262 or email tamara@nurtured-mother.com

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I Want Another Baby

I feel aching inside my womb to be filled with another little spirit. I yearn for pregnancy, labor, and birth. I fantasize of kissing little fingers, cuddling a wee babe, and breathing in the sweet smell of a newborn.

Of course, I can say this right now because my two toddlers are sleeping right now. The house is finally quiet, and I'm enjoying a few moments by myself before my husband gets home. If you ask me during the day if I want more children I would probably laugh at you.


You see I have these bizarre woman hormones--crazy, freaking, hormones that make me want babies, forget about midnight feedings, brush off the worst kind of physical pain as a walk in the park, and ache to rub a round pregnant belly.

This is why I put my husband in full control of our reproductive decision-making. (He has vetoed anymore kiddos--primarily because of my tendency to attempt death by bleeding out after each birth.) He has, ahem, "nipped" it in the bud--so to speak. So, no more babies. It was definitely the right decision for us, but I wish I could turn off these hormones that scream for me to procreate.

What's the Point

I've been holding back writing on my blog. I have so much going on in my life right now, and so many thoughts rushing through my head that every time I sit down to write I can't single out one voice amongst the many.
I've also been debating what this blog is for--is it to help promote Nurtured Mother? Should I only write things pertaining to motherhood, birth, and pregnancy? I don't think that was my original intention, but I think I created that rule somewhere along the road.
Recent struggles with my relationships have also halted my speech. I'm so afraid to offend someone, or do further damage that I've shut up completely. I started this blog to get out all the things going on with me, and yet now I'm feeling confined. It's my own fault, but I'm not sure how to get out or if I even should.

Maybe you can help me--my few readers out there. (Are you there?) Here are a list of topics that I have on a sticky on my monitor. What do you want to read?

• Personal stories in my life. Relationships, raising kids, money struggles, transitioning from working mom to SAHM to WAHM on what feels like a daily basis, faith, etc. etc. etc. All the humor, heartache, and happiness life brings.
• CF related issues--we just attempted a clinical trial.
• Food--all my cooking adventures
• Doula/Labor & Birth/Pregnancy info
• other suggestions?

Here's something I just started--call it a "New Year's Resolution." Instead of writing To Do lists--something I'm notorious for writing--I'm writing TaDa lists. What's a TaDa list, you ask? Well, it's the reverse of my to do's. It's everything I've accomplished today. I write them as I go about my day. I have my regular magnetic pad on the fridge with a bright sharpie nearby. As I walk about the house working on projects, I add on another thing. Even the small stuff like helping O find a missing toy (a daily adventure). Though I enjoyed crossing items off my To Do lists, it was always disheartening to see what was left. Plus, it was ever-growing with more to do. My TaDa list only lasts a day, each day is a new TaDa. Some days, I feel accomplished even if only one thing makes it to the list. Try it, you might like it.